Boundaries: One of the greatest gifts I’ve gained in parenthood

Published by Mile High Mamas

As a working wife and mom of two lovely kiddos, my boundaries are tested at least 20 (thousand) times a day.  Every day I choose to wake, I willingly launch myself into a ping pong between life’s demands and my limitations.  I cannot fathom managing family members’ needs, kids’ school requirements, pets, activities, and my own sanity without some protective barriers.  Boundaries are an emotional safety feature needed for healthy engagement in life.

Despite the term being a buzz word for a couple decades now, I’ll admit to not actually understanding the concept until I was forced to examine my own.  And this happened when I had my first child. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was minimizing my own wants and needs to focus more exclusively on the needs and wants of a colicky infant.  My pets and partner were immediately demoted at the same time I realized that a handful of other people were suddenly very eager to take on their new role as aunt, grandma, neighbor, stand-in family member, etc.  

It’s not a bad problem to have; I know. I’m lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. 

Logistically, though, I had to completely rework my boundary infrastructure which, for me, meant significantly scaling back some of my more rigid boundaries and establishing some new boundaries that accounting for all the new players.

What even is a boundary?

Boundaries are relational traffic signals based largely on your values and resources. Healthy ones allow us to get our needs met without burning out.  They are highly personal and often depend on factors like personality/temperament, access to psychological buffers and support systems, current stress levels and/or demands you’re experiencing at any given time. 

Goldilocks and the three boundaries

There are three types of boundaries:  Rigid (high), permeable (low) and healthy (just right).  In truth, I think it’s skillful to be able to flex back, forth, and in-between based on what is needed.  

How to detect boundary violation?

For me it’s fairly simple:  I know my boundaries are being violated when I start experiencing resentment.  Often this manifests as me venting (i.e. complaining) about someone or something. Your boundary-violation signals might be different from mine, and whether you do or don’t choose to verbally process them like I do is entirely up to you.  What’s key is being able to tune into it all.

*Of note:  If you aren’t tuning into any negative or uncomfortable feelings in the context of people and situations, either you’ve already established heathy boundaries in every area of your life, or you may be protecting yourself from the potential for conflict you equate with boundary setting.

How to start setting healthy boundaries?

For those without a whole lot of boundary know-how, the mere idea of boundary setting can be quite anxiety provoking.  The anticipated discomfort associated with setting limits can be difficult at any age.  Many people equate the term boundaries with conflict and defiance; however, boundary setting isn’t always a ‘no’.  It’s often a negotiation between two people with differing needs.  

Step-by-Step

1. Be mindful. Notice any discomfort or negativity (or complete lack thereof) that you experience as related to personal wants and needs.

2. Get clear on your values and priorities relating to the experience.

3. Take some time to gain clarity as emotions subside.

4. Practice boundary setting in some safer settings and/or with lower-stakes relationships. For better or for worse, I’m pretty comfortable practicing on my partner.  

5. Be mindfully reflective as part of the process. How do you feel before and after the boundary setting? What tweaks can be made?

6. Rest assured that it will get easier.  Not only does boundary setting become more second-nature with practice, but people begin to push less.  Don’t get too excited, though.  Where one boundary is managed, the need for a new one in a new situation often arises.

Boundaries can be a tough concept to put into action, and they show up in a variety of ways. 

You can set and maintain boundaries verbally: I can’t do that, but I can do this.

You share information about you: your views, values, and needs to allow someone insight even if it doesn’t align with theirs.  You can choose not to engage, or you can leave if/when a situation no longer fits with your values and needs. As long as you are clear, conscientious(of your own needs and those of others involved), and consistent, you’re on the right track

There are several great books on boundaries.  I like the book Boundary Boss by Terri Cole.  For those who struggle with needs identification and gracefully standing up for these needs on an ongoing basis, therapy can be helpful.  Exploring the concept of boundaries in a therapeutic relationship not only allows the opportunity to take a deeper dive into the concept, but it also provides a safe relationship in which to practice while processing related fears and failures (it’s a process).

My experience with boundary setting was incredibly clunky at first. I completely lacked finesse and, in fact, actually RAN AWAY (literally ran) immediately after setting a boundary with some friends one time. The more familiar I become with the process of setting, holding, and respecting other peoples’ boundaries, the more confident I become in this life skill.  Boundaries help me engage in life — something that can be true for anyone at any age.  To think, I only started tuning into the need for this superpower after becoming an overextended member of the mom club.